


Comment Section

by Queroze



Series: the Boys have feelings one-shots [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Projection what?, Sad Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:28:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23270977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queroze/pseuds/Queroze
Summary: Roman reads the comments.They are actually really nice.Why is he unhappy?
Series: the Boys have feelings one-shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635565
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	Comment Section

**Author's Note:**

> Trying something new: first person perspective. Prolly wont do it again. But it was a good writing exercise.

“I swear I don’t normally do this.”

I don’t know who I was swearing to; being alone in my room, but the statement was a lie either way.

On my large four poster bed, propped up by a half dozen red and gold pillows, red gauzy canopy drifting in the breeze above my head, a red tablet is posed in my hands. I start to scroll thru the comments of the newest video Thomas posted. The video was something that didn’t take a lot of my creative energy to create, even though I was the primary contributor to it. Logan wasn’t a fan of the silly nature of it, but the view count is tracking well. And it’s hard for him to argue numbers. The comments were all positive; uplifting messages, quotes from the video, reactions to certain shots, typical fare.

I open Instagram, and cruise thru the reactions to the newest picture that Thomas posted. He has been feeling very good about his body lately. He even said so in his most recent picture, cropped sweater and all.

“Virgil had a conniption fit over that one.” I laugh to myself shaking my head, remembering our tiff. But the reception to the post was all affirmative messages as well. That assuaged Virgil for the time being, making it easier for Thomas to do something again like this in the future.

I finally bounced over to Twitter, reading the replies to Thomas’ newest tweet. Patton had been worried that the message wasn’t optimistic enough, the tweet being about taking a break for the weekend. But again all the reactions and replies were upbeat and encouraging.

Pitting the tablet down, lying down across the bed, I let my head over the edge. I took in the room upside down.

“Why don’t I feel good?” I ask the air around me. Thomas was putting content out, and it was all tracking well, getting nice reactions, positive feedback, and a good reception. This was the dream, to have a fan base that adored everything we put out.

“Then why do I feel empty?”

The air didn’t answer. It never does.

“What do I want?”

I crave feedback; honestly I crave it a bit more then is strictly healthy. Logan has said so. Patton worries about how it affects us and Thomas. Virgil gets it though. But one negative reaction is enough to send him into a tail spin. But that’s kinda what I want. Something negative, something bitter to cut thru all the sweet things people are saying. If there was something negative, then all the sweet would actually mean something.

“But not hateful…” Grumbling to myself, I get up from the bed and walk toward my vanity. I don’t want something spiteful or hurtful for hurtful sake. I crave something more substantial.

“I crave…I want…I NEED constructive criticism.” I tell my image of myself in the mirror.

And that’s what I had been searching for while checking on the work that has been posted. Not accolades, but a peer review. Someone who knows the work, who knows Thomas, and is willing to get into the nitty gritty and give me what I need. I feel like I am floundering. Throwing things at the board and seeing what sticks. But everything is sticking. And it’s not helpful.

I am a knife, a sword that needs shaping. I require a whetstone to hone my craft, and all I have access to right now is soft butter.

“How do I know I am doing well, when it seems to be coming easily?” I rub my face, obscuring my reflection from myself. What a dumb problem to have, being so successful. People telling me I am doing a great job at every turn. I should just be happy. I am obviously doing a good job. Everyone is saying so.

“Then why do I feel like it is a mask?” I make eye contact with my reflection again. My face looks all down turned angles and mopping droops. I put on my winning smile, eyes slightly squinty, and oozing confidence. I know it just a face I put on. But no one else seems to pick up on it.

I make my way back to my bed, back to the sticky sweet fan base I have created for myself.

“It could be worse.” I mumble to the unlock screen. There could have people hate watch my content and stalk me in unpleasant ways. But Thomas keeps putting things out there and things keep coming back daisies. I know that Patton enjoys the encouraging attention. And all the positivity keeps Virgil from throwing a fit about the work. We are successful enough to keep Logan satisfied doing our current job.

I should just be happy about it then.

I look at the black tablet screen in front of me. “Maybe Vidcon?” I ask the black.

Vidcon is always a boost. But I have been doing this long enough I know it will be more of the same. Creators and fans all happy to just be there. No real way to build a connection on the work. I feel stuck.

I open up Tumblr on a whim. It’s currently signed into Virgil’s anonymous account. Virgil had Thomas set it up so that Thomas could repost and like things without any potential backlash. It wasn’t anything off-putting or upsetting, but just a place for Thomas to be online without a spotlight. For once I am happy about the dummy account.

I browse thru some recent posts on video making. The very first post is one asking for advice on how to YouTube. Intrigued I start up a DM with the poster. They have some basic questions, most of them stem from their need to focus on an idea, a concept. We end up chatting for a few more hours about lighting, script building and editing. After a few rounds of “Goodnight” and “Thank you for your help!” I get up from my bed to stretch my back.

“I think I feel better.” I say to the tablet still in my hands. It wasn’t what I thought I needed, assisting someone else with their project. But it still proved to me I knew what the heck I was doing. And that’s what I wanted all along.

To realize I know my stuff, that I am good at what I do. Not because people are nice and say nice things. But because it is a set of skills not everybody has. It is something that not only people can learn, but I can teach. I made a better place, just by sharing some of what I know.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you fukindork for unknowingly helping me with this ending.  
> https://archiveofourown.org/users/fukindork/pseuds/fukindork


End file.
